Stalling, and I know it

Four persimmons in a bowler hat (using whatever paint I had on my palette, and some dried ink)

Life is so crazy right now.
I'm just too busy.
First I need to fix (blank).


All excuses I've used in my efforts to sabotage myself. I was selling the occasional matted bit of work, some abstract, some representational, some done from photos, some in situ. Then I hit a wall--I sort of lost my motivation. What happened, I wondered.

I began comparing my life to the lives of others, for one, and this made me a bit depressed. I had interviewed for a few jobs that I was overqualified for, only to not be offered them. I began to feel like my professional career was crashing, and probably was feeling guilty about enjoying a nice sketch, or making any money at it (any real money) so I stopped.

I was also hearing from very close (well-meaning) friends that I should be living a creative life, and making a living from my creativity, not in the profession in which I've focused so much effort. I have to admit that this hurt my feelings a bit each time I heard it. What I was hearing was a devaluation of what I do for a living, and that I would be better at something else.

I'm a damned good nurse. A smart nurse. A thinking nurse. I'm the nurse you want taking care of someone you love. I like to paint and sketch, and I was a damned good architect, too--but I was selling maybe $50 a month in sketches. Every time someone said I should go do that, what I heard was "you suck at nursing, and that's why no one is hiring you." They meant well, but I was questioning my self-worth, and they were inadvertently reinforcing my self-doubts.

It's been a rough year--but finally I have a job lined up, and I'm waiting to hear when my orientation will be.

I have taken my desires to start up again and channeled them into the alchemy and organization related to the perfect sketch kit and supplies.

I'm intrigued by stories of Renaissance painters and how they ground their own pigments. I've pulled every book off my shelf and researched methods and materials, and spent countless hours experimenting with different alternative art supplies.

Here is the result of several messy attempts at "paint"made from natural items--left to right: coffee, wine, Turmeric, green tea (Argentine Mate--pronounced "MAH-teh")

I started with distilled water and gum arabic, soaked and disolved, then strained into a small jar. In several other small jars, I collected concentrated coffee (the fine bits at the bottom of the french pot after straining out the grounds) and the tea was a similar process of steeping the very fine particles that sifted through a very fine strainer, the wine was collected from the bottom of the bottle (the dreggy bits) of a nice robust Zinfandel. The turmeric was simmered in distilled water and strained.

I then added the gum arabic solution to the mixtures and poured them into the empty half pans. Over a couple of days, the mixtures dried and concentrated themselves (as the distilled water evaporated) and I added a bit more gum arabic and pigment to the pans to top them off.

I tried them out last week, and have to admit that the turmeric was the most bold--at the time, it seemed like it was bright and wonderful.

But today, the more filtered, strained turmeric leaves me less than impressed, so I guess it's back to the ol' drawing board for that one. The wine has gotten more concentrated, and the Yerba Mate is browner than I imagined it would be (like a burnt umber) and I was expecting a more blueish tinted green, as when it oxidizes in my cup.

The wine color did not oxidize as much with the gum arabic, but retained some reddish hue, rather than the purple of the older sample (just wine, no gum arabic) And I've given up on the onion skins, as the color was too faint to be worth the effort, and too similar to the turmeric, blended with more water (the previous turmeric!)

I will keep at it. In the mean time, here's a couple pages of my sketchbook, mostly trying more paints and brushes that I've dug out of hiding, planning some sketching kits, using old makeup containers, etc.